Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications – Part 1, Jealousy and the Ego

BY Parvati

Dear Parvati:
I know jealous thoughts and feelings come from our ego but why, if I know that, do they hurt so badly? What part of my ego is in resistance? What relation is there between unfaithful and cheated on past experiences? How can I transcend anger, lack of confidence and self esteem when I know is ego playing tricks in my mind and these situation is unresolved? How can I heal past relationships wounds and let go to start living my life? It seems I have this pending topic 12 years ago and I fell on a depression state but in that moment I didn’t follow a therapy or anything. How can I deal with that and start trusting myself and a possible future partner, from a difference perspective out of ego?? It hurts so bad and I feel blackened…
Thanks for your kind advice.

Thank you very much for your question this week, which really is a series of many questions! I will be answering them over the course of this week. I answered in a more conversational tone, like a question answer discussion, due to the many questions that were sent in here. I also reference other blog posts I wrote as this question touches upon many topics I have looked at over the past year. Please send in your questions to be answered for next week at
Relationships are complicated for most of us. We hardly have a handle on how to relate to ourselves in a healthy manner, let alone to another person. And perhaps, that is part of the problem. Because we look for fulfilment outside ourselves, we end up not focusing on developing a strong foundation for inter-personal relationships. All relationships that last must be built on a strong relationship to our self, one that is rooted in self-respect and self-love. We can only love another as well as we love ourselves. Yet even when relationships don’t work out the way we had hoped, we can find healing and personal growth. Our capacity to love can deepen. If we are willing to have humility and look at what life is mirroring back to us, we may just find that the person we once loved, then hated, we can still love, in gratitude for the lessons they brought into our life. Life is constantly teaching us and supporting our evolution. All things that happen are Grace. If you have not read last week’s blog topic on Creating Your Reality, you may find it helpful.
Question: I know jealous thoughts and feelings come from our ego but why, if I know that, do they hurt so badly?
My answer: Things hurt because we are attached to that which is impermanent. We want things to be exactly as we want them to be. That is our ego. But life is full of change. It is ever evolving. If we hinge our happiness on that which is impermanent, we had best be prepared to learn to let go, or we will get hurt.
We identify with things happening “to me”, rather than feeling we are part of a much greater whole. We think life is someone else’s doing, rather than our thoughts reflected back to us. If your thoughts hurt, then you are identifying with those thoughts as real. Jealous thoughts are just a reaction from a wounded place that does not yet see the full picture of what is. If we were to reveal the hidden mysteries in each moment, we could only love. When we feel pain, we have not yet found Truth.
If you feel jealousy, then you are feeling a lack of love. Jealousy only comes when we feel we are not enough, not loved enough, not talented enough, not good looking enough… If you are identified with not enough in any way, you will feel jealous.
Question: What part of my ego is in resistance?
My answer: I appreciate the desire to ask this question. However, I feel that to ask what part of the ego is in resistance ultimately does not matter. The question in itself come from the ego’s trickiness. If you are asking this question, your attention is focused on trying to figure out the ego, and in so doing (the ego loves this!) your consciousness moves deeper towards the ego. Is it not enough to simply know it is ego, a sense of “me” that is living in disconnected defensiveness? Is that not enough to let it go? When we focus on trying to find what part of the ego is in resistance, it can be a trick, because we are focusing on the ego, the temporal, the divided, rather than focusing on the divine, the eternal, the universal.
When you find yourself focusing on trying to figure out what part of the ego is in resistance, simply pause. Be still within and embrace this moment as it is. Allow yourself to see that you are face to face with your ego. Do not try to push it away. Do not run from it. Just stay right there, with it in stillness. Breathe. Breathe more. Allow yourself to be. My sense is, in that stillness, when you shift your focus from from trying to pin or attack or conquer the ego, to a space that embraces the ego, you will find insight and possibility begin to flow. There will be awakened spaciousness. You will see, from a place of witnessing, what lies behind the jealousy and hurt. If you gently rest your focus on the space around the ego, you will allow the voice of your soul to speak. Give yourself room to feel the space around the ego. In that space is the flow of self love. That way you are present for the ego without getting entangled in it.
You may find the blog I wrote on jealousy very helpful: , especially the entry that looks at the notion of “It’s happening TO me”.
(Continued tomorrow with Faith and the Unfaithful)