Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications – Part 2, Faith And The Unfaithful

BY Parvati

(Continued from Jealousy and the Ego)
Question: What relation is there between unfaithful and cheated on past experiences?
My answer: I am not sure what you mean. If you mean what is the relationship between us cheating and then being cheated on, then I would say, you can call it instant karma. But I think you mean, why do we experience being cheated on? Is that some past karma of ours? I think we need to ask that question. That which happens in our life is a result of our karmas. This is a good thing. If we are willing to see life as a mirror, we will find life teaches us all we need to know.
I have had to go deeply into that question myself as I too have experienced that, as I am sure many have as well. Even recently, I experienced one of my closest friends deeply betraying me in a public setting. It was like being cheated on because we had had a sacred contract of love and trust as super close friends. In any intimate relationship, we have faith in the contract and bonds we have made. But not all people have the same relationship to their word.
People will do what they feel they must do. What they choose is not about us at all. My friend did what she felt she needed to do. At that level, her choice to be adharmic, to act in an unrighteous manner, had absolutely nothing to do with me. In fact, before she did what she did, I had asked her to reconsider, that what she was about to do was not in alignment with love. But she made her choice.
In the midst of my healing, my heart wounded, raw and cracked open, I had to ask myself, what is this experience teaching me? What is life mirroring back to me to witness, to learn and to let go? I realized that at some level, there was a play of ego I had with this friend, that was not balanced. She was in a lot of pain, and I realized that I was subtly trying to “help” her, do the work for her. I had unconsciously taken on some of her job of healing herself. That was subtly stroking my ego. She loved it. When I started to catch on that this was at play, I shared it with her. But she did not want to make the shift. She chose instead to feel victimized by my call for rebalance and personal responsibility. She did what she felt she needed to do. Again, I had nothing to do with that.
Deeper still, I had to see that her betrayal of our bond was ultimately a gift to me to see the subtle ways I still betray myself. I was brought face to face with the questions: “Am I truly, fully, wholeheartedly in service to my soul voice?” I had to answer no, that I still sabotage myself. I still get in the way. I still betray my own magnificence. I wanted to say that the problem was all hers, but it was not. Her choice to betray our friendship was totally hers. But the gift in the experience was for me to see part of my own shadow and ultimately move beyond it.
In the end, I feel grateful to her for being a catalyst in my growth. Sometimes life has big explosions to blow open parts of our ego that are in resistance, so we can see parts of our shadow that are in our blind spot. In that way, I feel the situation was Grace, a purification process, helping me be far more discerning with whom I share so deeply and teaching me to honour with much deeper reverence the voice of my soul.
To explore more deeply the ins and outs of relationships and how we can grow from them, I think you may find my blog entry Finding Balance In Relationships very helpful.
(Continued tomorrow with Transcending Anger and Low Self-Esteem)