All posts tagged childhood wounds

Healing Pain Through Love and Acceptance

LOVING MYSELF AND THE WORLD BEYOND CONDITION The choices you make right now, based on how you choose to perceive this moment, are literally creating your future. This month’s Parvati Magazine explores the theme Equilibrium. My article “Finding Balance In Relationships” looks at how our core beliefs affect how we perceive and therefore choose to interact with the world. As often is the case when I share, I get immediate opportunity to put my teachings into practice. I feel this happens because the universe is the ultimate compassionate teacher. It lovingly makes sure that I am walking the talk and serving to my utmost by presenting me with many life lessons that support my growth. This week, I had an encounter with someone through which my feelings were hurt. As I processed my experience, I discovered that some of my core beliefs needed revision. So I went within and took stock of how I choose to perceive life, asking myself if I am living in unattached truthfulness or projecting and validating my assumptions onto the world. I also went back to review my blog posts that celebrate the power of the divine feminine, a five part series written in December 2013 through January 2014. If you have not yet read them, they are pretty juicy and…

Read more

Wanting and Spiritual Materialism: How Not To Feed The Greed

Wanting and Spiritual Materialism   Over the last couple of weeks, I received a variety of emails from people who read my recent blog entries on Tantra. Some were delighted to have greater clarity on the subject, feeling inspired by the idea of the body as a vehicle for the divine and an opportunity to practice witnessing pitfalls along the path. Others felt confused and upset at the idea that Tantra is not a sexual free-for-all. This pushed the button of their attachment to their libido. Everything that pushes our buttons gives us an opportunity to see ourselves in a new way. Aspects of our shadows are being highlighted for us to see, showing us ways in which we are attached to unfulfilled desires that may be outdated or may need voicing.   We all have unfulfilled desires. Many spiritual environments become a feeding ground for these, where practitioners may be wearing flowing clothes and chanting prayers, but feeling inwardly tied in knots. Wanting is insidious and we must be aware of it – whether we are in the office, following our creative voice, practicing bendy poses on our yoga mats, or exploring sexuality in our bedrooms.   We want. We want more. We get. But it is not enough. So we want more. In a…

Read more

Ask Parvati 42: Healing Shame – Part 2: Bringing the Wounded Bits to the Light

(Continued from “Toxic Shame“) The misperception that we are fundamentally flawed, which feeds our sense of shame, does need healing, but not because we are wrong, bad, ugly, awful or damaged. The misperception needs healing simply because it is untrue. It is an illusion perpetuated by our wounded self-perception. It exists because we give it power. We fear that it’s the truth, so we hide it away. As we reveal our broken bits from the darker recesses of our psyche, we eventually see that we are all beings of light that cast shadows, on an evolutionary journey back to the One place of undivided consciousness of pure love. In every moment, no matter what shame binds our perception temporarily, we are loved and supported beyond what we can habitually and consciously see. If you feel you suffer from debilitating shame, other than reading John Bradshaw’s book, I would recommend professional help from a skilled therapist who can help create a safe place in which you can allow your feelings of low self-worth to emerge, without judgment. Because shame exists in the severed places in our self that we fear, the process of revealing them in a safe environment is powerfully healing, just in itself. We need to be seen, just as we are. When we bring…

Read more

Ask Parvati 41: The Power of the Inner Child – Part 2: An Apple In An Orange Grove

(Continued from “Trading the Infinite for the Finite”)   In our early years, as we focus on survival, we lose touch with the infinite. Our parents, and not the source of pure consciousness from which we came, become the centre of our universe. In this process of maturation and survival, we tend to take on habits that pull us from our original, natural and pure connection to source. We begin to believe that the imperfect beings that are our caregivers are the truest sources of our love. With this comes expectations and disappointments. We begin to barter, shift, twist and modify ourselves in order to try to find unconditional love from conditional beings. In the process, our relationship with the infinite and our true self weakens in order to make do with the finite. We once were connected to the source of pure consciousness, the place of unconditional love. Now we have traded that infinite connection for finite love.   Though we are creatively surviving, which is a great thing, we lose a part of ourself in the process. In order to become whole, to return the one source of pure unconditional love, we need to regain our sublimated connection to the eternal. What initially was natural instinct is subdued with shoulds, wants and desires that…

Read more

Ask Parvati 41: The Power of the Inner Child – Part 1: Trading the Infinite for the Finite

Dear Parvati, Is it important to get in touch with your inner child in order to live, as you would say, a “rooted, vital and expansive” life?   PART 1: TRADING THE INFINITE FOR THE FINITE   Thank you for this question. My immediate answer is, yes. The following explains why.   I believe that we are born like a hunk of flesh with pure consciousness. At birth and soon thereafter, most of us are still consciously connected to the infinite source of love and consciousness from which we came. Hence the raw purity we can easily see in a newborn. It is as though we can see the infinite in the depth of an infant’s eyes. If you look deeply into them, they seem almost formless, dark and vast, like deep space.   As we mature, our personality forms, and so do our features, including eye colour and facial expressions. In this process, our egos take shape, through which our individuality is born. Our personalities are a reflection of two concurrent forces: our own previous karmic tendencies (the soul information with which we were born), and the way these tendencies bump up against our life experiences.   Our mother is the first person with whom we come into contact. As such, our relationship with our…

Read more

New Year’s Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart’s Desires – Part 3: Facing Your Inner Saboteur

(Continued from “What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?“) The choices we have made over years have carved the lives we have today. Most of these choices were made unconsciously, until we wake up to the story of our lives. We all carry personal tendencies that shape the way we make our decisions. We can see these tendencies clearly in the way we reacted to our parents. Each one of us has unique interference patterns that thwart our joy. These interference patterns are like an inner saboteur that blocks our ability to live our greatest joy. We all carry a saboteur within us until we find the courage to befriend ourself and get to know our shadows. When we befriend ourselves, we begin to listen to the full story of our lives: our hopes and dreams, and the scary, painful bits. If we are to fulfill our dreams, we must acknowledge our shadow, which has a huge impact on the shape of our lives. When we befriend ourselves, we listen to the little girl or little boy within that holds secrets to our unfulfilled desires. When we befriend ourselves, we hear our deepest joys and activate the inner courage to realize our true heart’s desires. An exercise that I include every day in my…

Read more

New Year’s Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart’s Desires – Part 2: What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?

(Continued from “What motivates your choices?“) If we are to create the life we want, we must look within and understand our early childhood tendencies that stay with us until we learn different behaviour. When we explore how we felt as children, we tend to see patterns present in how we related to our mother and father. Our relationship with our mothers generally shape our patterns towards our inner world, the world of love, nurturing, self-care and sustenance. Our relationship with our father usually sets the stage for our relationship with our career and outer, social life. When we take a look at what went on in our childhood, how we felt in relationship to each of our parents, we can see the early seeds for what drives our unconscious choices that created our current life. For example, we may have felt abandoned by our mother, so we tend to recreate, unconsciously, situations in which we do not feel supported or nurtured. Maybe we felt aggressed by our father, so we tend to attract work or society situations that are dissonant with who we are or even abusive. Or maybe we just feel unwelcome in our work environment and become an overachiever or workaholic. Every person again will be entirely unique. If you feel you want…

Read more

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety – Part 4: The Inner Critique and Self-Love

(Continued from To Risk Speaking Up And Saying What You Feel) I have a saying that gets me through every show. If there are three people in a room, one person will hate what I do; another will love it; while another will not care. I find this very helpful. Everyone will have their own, personal experience and opinion of what I do. My job is not to worry about what others think, but to do the best job I feel I can do and have fun while I do it. People may not like what we say, and react to it. But that is their stuff and is no reflection of who we are. Our job is not to try to fix or change anyone, but get on and do what we are each here to do. We do not need to try to convince someone we are worthy of love, because we already are worthy, simply by being. If we look deeply into the root of stage fright, we will find that we may need to cultivate a bit more self-love. Self-love is different from self-confidence. Self-confidence can get us to the stage. Self-love will help us enjoy delivering the show. If we don’t have self-love, our self-confidence becomes bravado – thick on the…

Read more

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety – Part 2: The Fear of Being Seen

Playing It Small And Hiding We all had coping strategies when we were children. No matter how loving our parents were, they were not perfect. No one is perfect. Everyone on this planet casts a shadow and is also somehow growing and evolving. We may have hoped to find the perfect love from these imperfect beings. But how can we find absolute love from people who were also learning to love? In the process of growing up, we tended to make unconscious compromises to try to get the love we needed. Most ofus ended up with contractual relationships with family members as a means to find some stability amidst the whirl of issues, synergies, conflicts and personalities that make up every family life. Ideally, our caregivers were open to receive us like the budding, young flowers we were. Yet, they too likely felt thwarted and unloved in their own way, perhaps feeling stressed to pay rent, alone to put food on the table, isolated in an dysfunctional marriage, or unhappy without the space they needed to deal with their own unresolved childhood issues amidst the work of childrearing. Whatever the situation was, often family life can be less than ideal for finding the unconditional love we hope to find. So we develop coping strategies. Most children tend…

Read more

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack – Part 3: Understanding and Compassion

PART 3: UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION (Continued from “The Big Picture: It’s Not Personal“)   Here are some powerful thoughts I ask you to consider. Find a quiet place and allow yourself to go deeper with these:   “Everyone wants to be loved.”                 Wow.   “Everyone wants to be loved. And everyone fears they will not be loved.”       Think about that.           Think about that some more. Breathe it in. Let it resonate.   “Everyone wants to be loved and everyone fears they will not be.”         Apply that thought to your boss. Think of him that way, just wanting love, fearing he will not be. Think of how you want to feel loved. Perhaps, you two are not that different.       Think of your mother that way, just wanting love, fearing she will not be. Try to feel the fear your mother has, and know you too feel the same. Perhaps, you are not so different. The love you seek is also the love she wants. The fear you have that you won’t find love, is also the very same fear she has.       Think of your friends and other family members that same…

Read more